The Alter Boy and the Cynic

He was genuinely sweet; that you could tell from a mile away. But he quickly showed his real identity: Bible Thumper.

Now, I am not biased against anyone's beliefs. I truly accept everyone's choice in faith, whether it be devout or agnostic. I'm no faith elitist.

I, personally am not religious though. I was raised in the Church of Don't Put Your Elbows on the Table. We always said please and thank you and never wore our shoes in the house.

That being said, I knew Brian for approximately 2.5 days before he laid it on me: "I want you to go to Church with me."

Church? We hadn't even gone on a date! We'd had a brief meeting, a few 5 minute phone calls...I didn't even know his last name. He wants to pray with me? Talk about kinky foreplay...

"Umm, maybe...sometime," I tried desperately to come up with a good excuse. But even after pondering over night, racking my brain for the ideal get-me-out-of-church-free-card...I had nothing. What can I say?

I'm allergic to God.

I tolerate religion, but from afar.

The Big Man and I are old pals, but we like to keep things between us.

Really, is there a nice way to say 'no thanks' without offending him?

To be honest, none of these lame fibs even genuinely describe why I don't want to go. I've gone to numerous churches with friends and family. I look at it this way:

A. I would like to get to know you, before your God. If you happen to be lame, I don't want Jesus guilting me into spending a full-fledged hour with you. Besides, if we're going out and not talking, let's go to a movie...it's less awkward than being lectured about sin.

B. I don't even know what religion you are. You never asked what religion I am. Way to assume, dude.

C. What the hell is your last name?!

I struggled with finding a polite let down to the pray date for a couple of days. The next time I talked to Brian I was beating around the bush until he put the last nail in the coffin...

"I'm a virgin." Holy Mother of Awkward Situations...

"Brian, I think we should see other people."

"The couple that prays together, stays together."